


If You Ever Want To Be In Love

by hystericalselcouth



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-29
Updated: 2015-04-20
Packaged: 2018-03-20 04:02:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3635940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hystericalselcouth/pseuds/hystericalselcouth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Marlene McKinnon", Sirius said, "She was killed....."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. If you ever want to be in love

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own anything, I don't make any profits, and the title's from James Bay's song 'If you ever want to be in love', because I'm so shite at making up names for fanfic.

"Oi, James!" whispered Sirius, across three tables.  
They were in Transfiguration and on this rare occasion, none of the children in the class were paying attention to the teacher.  
"James!" James Potter, dark haired and bespectacled, could not hear his best friend over the fascination with which his eyes followed every movement made by Lily Evans, seated in front of him.  
Sirius spoke a little louder this time, "Jame-"  
"Mr. Black!"  
The shrill, piercing tone of Professor McGonagall cut through everyone's distraction. Sirius put his hands up , a defeated smile spreading on his face. As the class returned to its state of repressed impatience, Sirius found another way of expressing his restlessness.  
Thud.  
Thud.  
Another low thud.  
Another, but this time, slightly louder.  
"Black! Stop it!"  
A hushed, irritated whisper came from behind him. He stretched his head back to see his protester. Smirking, he returned to rock his chair against the table behind him, a loud thud emanating on contact of the two surfaces.  
"I said stop it, Black!" the voice grew a little louder.  
"Stop what?" Sirius asked laconically, not bothering to fully turn around to reply.  
"Stop rocking your fucking chair, that's what!"  
Sirius tusked. In a mock disapproving manner, he said, "Now, now, Merles, no swearing!"  
"Shut the fuck up."  
McGonagall snapped her book shut and said, "Well, that's the end of classes for this semester, Happy Christmas." With a scowl, she left the classroom, with the scratching of books and quills against wood in her wake.  
There was a loud shuffling of chairs, books and bags as everyone rose to leave. Sirius got up to look at the still seated figure of Marlene McKinnon behind him. She had one of her eyebrows raised in a graceful arch and a grim expression on her face.  
Sirius now grinned. "Oooh! She's cocky too!"  
Rolling her eyes, she stuffed her belongings in her bag and stood up to leave the hall. Sirius moved out of her way with a teasing, low bow in surrender.  
James lazily walked to the figure of Sirius Black, who had now returned to his infamous laid-back posture, hands in trouser pockets. Thumping his best friend on the back, James began, "Lily's hair is just a tad bit less ginger than Arthur Weasley's. Well no one can get more ginger than the Weasleys' can they?"  
Not paying attention to anything his friend was saying, Sirius stared at the retreating form of Marlene McKinnon, silhouetted against the afternoon sunshine.  
"Is it just me, or has dear Marlene gotten...thinner?"  
Remus, who had joined the duo along with Peter, rolled his eyes and hit James and Sirius on the head.  
"Lets head back to the common room now, you love-sick birds have enough packing to keep your infatuated heads busy."

"So, Miss McKinnon, why aren't you at home?" asked Poppy Pomfrey conversationally.  
Christmas dinner at Hogwarts was a small affair this year, with most of the students having gone home foe the holidays. A cozy round table had replaced the large House tables and many chairs of the Great Hall.   
At the table sat Dumbledore, Poppy Pomfrey, McGonagall and teachers along with a few other students from across the age group.  
"Oh, mother sent word that things at home were rather," she paused as she locked eyes with Dumbledore, "tense, at the moment."  
"Well dear, we hope everything will be fine soon!"  
"Thank you , Madam Pomfrey," replied Marlene politely.  
"Is that all you're going to eat dear?" asked McGonagall worriedly.  
Looking down at the nibbled slice of plum cake seated on her spotless plate, Marlene replied, "Oh, I'm quite full, actually. You see, Harold had sent a large box of chocolates and I um..." she turned to look at the younger diners and continued with in scrunched voice, "did the needful."  
There were chuckles all around.  
After dinner, the teachers went up to the headmaster's from some cherry.  
"Miss McKinnon's dealing with it all rather well, isn't she?"  
"Yes, quite, a very charming young lady, I think she'll do very well in the exams."  
"Well, I'm even willing to bet on it, if it were allowed.."  
"Albus!"

"Please, Lily, just this once!"  
"I can't do it, Sirius, I can't. She's a friend! It makes no sense! Ask her yourself!"  
"Just...please!"  
"Hey, hey, hey! What's all this about, eh? Evil Black pestering you? Want me to make him go away?"  
James interrupted the animated conversation in the common room, wrapping one arm around Lily's waist.  
"Sirius here wants Lily to ask McKinnon if she wants to go to the library tonight for no reason at all," supplied Remus, "sounds awfully shady to me. What makes you think she's want to meet you in the dark at night?"  
Remus, irritated, shuffled through the many sheets that cluttered his desk.  
Jumping onto the couch and pulling Lily along with him, James scared a couple of third-year students as Lily offered them sympathetic glances. James gleefully chanted, "Ooooh! Marlene and Sirius sitting in a tree...K-I-S-S-I-N-"  
The Herbology textbook flew from Remus' direction, hitting James's head with a loud thud.


	2. If it's torn we can stich it up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own anything, I make no profits, and the title is a line from James Bay's song 'If you ever want to be in love'.

"You've...... cut your hair"  
"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!"  
Marlene yelled and jumped up, startled, from her chair in the empty library.  
"Sorry if I've startled you," said Sirius, as he sat down on the chair opposite.  
"Yeah, you'd better be," she replied, breathing deeply to calm herself, "So, do you need anything?"  
"Marley, I-"  
"Oh, so I'm 'Marley', now? Nice to know I have a proper name."  
"Well, the Potters call you Marles, so, why can't I?"  
"Because you're a Black, Sirius." She rolled her eyes.  
"So? It's not like I enjoy being one."  
Sensing the sudden bitterness in his voice, Marlene McKinnon softened her tone. She knew what Sirius's parents were like, it would not be easy for him to take all of that.  
Marlene, being a member of one of the 'illustrious pure-blood families' was related to the Potters, Weaseleys, Prewetts, Longbottoms, Malfoys and Black, although more related to the last two in blood than to the others.  
She often accompanied her parents to 'pure-blood' events. Much like them, she detested the existing social divide. As a result, they became increasingly unseen at occasions for voicing their opinions on the matter.  
"Do you need my help, Sirius? If you're having trouble at home, you're always welcome at our place," she replied comfortingly, and then continued with a chuckle, "welcome, but I daresay safe."  
Sirius looked at Marlene as she talked. Yes, he did find her beautiful, no, not by her looks, but inside, she was so mysteriously beautiful and serene. Suddenly sheepish, Sirius stuffed his hands in his pockets under the table.  
"Erm...thank you, no, really, thanks."  
Marlene looked at Sirius with a mature smile on her face.  
"But...I did come here to ask you something."  
"Okay."  
Sirius didn't know where to look, at the book shelves, the paper, the chair, his feet, her face, her nose? "No, not her nose. Her lips? No! No way," he told himself off, "stop it, Paddy-boy!"  
The dark lines of make-up around her eyes, her hair elegant waves, carelessly chopped off at the chin? Focusing on his thoughts, he closed his eyes and said, "Will you go out with me?"  
Fearfully opening, them, and quite right to do so too, he was welcomed by a shell-shocked, open-jawed, wide-eyed Marlene McKinnon.  
"WHAT?!?!"  
"I'm sorry, I'll just-"  
"NO, you stay right there. Your mother asked you to do this, didn't she? Hmm? Make peace by having their son go out with the McKinnon daughter? Even if it is their eldest, precious boy. Silence us with a fancy wedding? You're no better than the family you say you hate, Black."  
Marlene's voice was dangerously low.  
"You stay away, Black. Go find a pretty, dolled-up, good-for-nothing baby-maker to shag, Black, I am not a toy for your insolent, arrogant,'Tojus Pur' pigs to be played around with."  
She stood up, knocking her chair to the ground in the process. Swiping her books up into her bag,she turned around and proceeded to walk out of the library. She was thankful it was quite late and no-one else was present in the dark, gloomy, marble enclosure.  
Sirius's demeanor changed drastically. The pain and hurt that he had been successful at masking since he had ran away from home appeared on the pale surface of his ashen face. He stood up on wobbly legs and called after her weakly.  
"Marlene?"  
Marlene McKinnon, who had reached the second table from him, whirled around, eyes blazing with undiminished anger and hatred. As if in a trance, she speedily walked up to the now frail form of Sirius Black.  
Mouth curved in detestment and disgust, she spat," Don't you dare say - "  
Her voice died in her throat.  
In front of her stood a completely different Sirius Black from what she knew him to be. This was a boy, a few days short of his seventeenth birthday, tired and exhausted.Lines wrinkled his face, his haunting bones seemed to be defined all the more in the little light of the surrounding darkness.  
She could see multiple scars akk over his visage, tiny strokes of light and dark rising to the surface. His skin was dry, lips chapped, his grey stoney complexion stretched across the planes of his face in agony and torment.  
She found herself gasping.  
Her hands moved to his face, cupping her palms to hold his head up. Her deep, brown eyes of dark umber found his dark grey ones. They were so empty..so....lost. She looked into his soul through the windows of his eyes, so melancholic, so fallen. She saw the remenants of a dark pit, something she knew well.  
Yet, at this moment, he seemed so mysteriously beautiful.  
Then, she realised that she had made a mistake. He was most obviously in immense pain, hiding it from the world, and she had only hurt him more. Tears sprang to her eyes.  
She hugged him tight, as if to take away some of the pain and anguish.  
Whispering softly, she said, "I'm sorry."

Sirius collapsed into his bed, exhausted.  
Through the dark, James's voice asked, "How'd it go, mate?"  
Sighing, Sirius closed his eyes and slurred tiredly, "I don't know, I don't know."

When the owls showered the post on them the next day, Sirius saw an envelope fall into his bowl of milk. Opening it, a now soggy letter, written in scrawny, thin handwriting said, "Same time, same place tomorrow, if you want."  
For the first time in a rather long time, he felt hope fill his chest, while James snatched the paper out of his hand.


	3. I wanted to ask

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own anything, I make no profits.  
> Okay, yes, the chapter titles are going to be from James Bay's 'If You Ever Want To Be In Love'. It's final, k?

It was Anisha Patil’s birthday and most of the seventh year students were lounging in the common room, celebrating at the dead of night. Sirius suddenly realised that Marlene wasn’t there. Spotting the figures of James and Lily dancing to a groovy song, he walked towards them.

“Hey, have you seen Marlene?”

“NO! BUT I THINK THE MAP WOULD WORK!” yelled James over the music.

Rolling his eyes, he swiftly walked to his dorm and reached for the map in the drawer of the desk. Quickly whispering the well-recited words, he spotted the name he was looking for, unmoving on the parchment. Placing her current position, his heart thudded in his chest when he saw her name plastered on the highest level of the Astronomy Tower.

* * *

 

 

He burst through the doors, panting. His rapidly moving, frightened eyes found the cold, unmoving body of Marlene McKinnon lying on the floor, head jutting over the edge, unseen. Fearing the worst, he ran to her form. No sooner had he reached her before her harsh, raspy voice was heard.

“Do you see it, Sirius?”

Lying down next to her, he pushed himself over the edge enough for his head to poke out. Her short hair enveloped her cheeks, her hand dangling, pointing to the darkness of tress far below them. The air was unnervingly calm, the silence of the night was ominous.

“See what?” he asked.

“The blackness.”

Sirius could not frame a reply. Instead, he asked, “Have you been crying?”

As if she didn’t hear him, Marlene continued, “You see, that darkness, that chasm below, that void of nothingness, it seems so…comforting.”

Frowning worriedly, Sirius asked in reply, “What do you mean?”

He knew perfectly well what she meant, for he too felt like that sometimes.

Marlene answered as though in a trance.

“The emptiness seems so comforting, so safe. The complexity of this world ceases to exist, that stormy sea of chaos and anarchy churning in the waves of strife. War simple vanishes.”

Sirius continued to stare at her, ignoring the growing pain in his neck.

“It seems so simple,” she said, “the emotions and hurt that plague us do not exist in this chasm. Wouldn’t it be so wonderful if we could be suspended eternally in this mysterious realm, simply breathing, neither dead nor living?”

Silence greeted her monologue.

“Sometimes I wish, I pray so hard to simply vanish into this ethereal nothingness, to disintegrate into non-existence. It would be so easy to escape the tangled evil of this world.”

At this, Sirius seemed rather hurt by the notion of her leaving him all alone, unthought-of. Sure, he had James and Rem and Peter, Lily, Frank and Alice…and Reg. But they didn’t quite get what she got about him. Not even Reg. However, he said not a word.

“But then I think, what about you?” with these words, her voice broke, “Could I leave you alone? Would you want to come with me?”

Sirius, overcome with something he hadn’t felt in a long time, wrapped one of his arms around her thin waist, pulling her back to him, warming her cool body. Marlene choked and sobbed.

“And then….I thought it rather selfish of me, to think that about it while this very real war raged on. I didn’t …want to be stubborn and self-centred, to escape to calm peace while you all stand strong for what you believe in.”

Marlene’s body quivered and trembled, her uneven gasping hurting Sirius with every breath.

“I don’t know if I can still do this, to think of all of you to stop myself. It pulls me towards it, every day, closer. I want to go, oh, Sirius, I want to give in, I’m scared I won’t be able to stop myself, stop myself from stepping into -”

Before she could finish, Sirius pulled her back from the edge and held her close against him. She wept into his clothes, her tears smudging her make-up over her face, hair rubbing against his head. Sirius too shut his eyes, trying to sow back the hole that now ripped through his chest, trying to be strong for her, trying to be strong for himself. However, he could not push away the agony that clutched and dug away at his heart, causing sharp, unpleasant tingling to pulse through him with every forced breath he took. Just over Marlene’s shoulder, he saw the gleam of a sharp blade pierce through the desolation of the night.


	4. I'll come around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own anything, I make no profits.

Marlene walked out of her room yawning and scratching her head, clad in loose night clothes. She stopped when she saw Sirius standing outside his room, blankly staring at the door opposite, on which was printed in bold lettering, ‘R.A.B.’. The orange sunlight that flooded the corridor behind him silhouetted his form. He seemed tires, pushed to the brink. Marlene moved closer and stood next to him, imitating his posture. Sirius showed no sign of acknowledging her presence. They were at Grimmauld Place for a few days, clearing out Sirius’ belonging, packing them so as to transport them to their new home. Sirius had never quite liked the Black house, Marlene knew that and never pushed him to talk about it. She remembered the house from her visits as a child, but she didn’t remember this door. The house had not changed much, but it seemed as though this door was a breeze of fresh air, as dark as its ebony was, in this miserable house. She turned to look at Sirius and noticed that his pale skin was drawn tight, his eyes closed, ringed with dark lines under them. She took his hand, which was trembling uncontrollably. Keeping his palm in her own, she looked at the letters on the door again. Then, it clicked. The hubbub about a missing Death Eater, the panicked and unplanned activities of Bellatrix Lestrange, the sudden fall in activities of the Dark all made sense now.

‘R.A.B.’

Regulus Arcturus Black.

The previous day was a tiring monotony of searching for various leads to potential attacks. It had exhausted her. She had fallen asleep the moment Sirius had retired for the night with her. She did not hear the soft knocking on the front door that night, nor did she hear the sound of Sirius crawling out of bed. Pushing aside the emotions that ran through her, she lightly slapped Sirius and shook him gently, but firmly.

His eyes opened, full of tire and pain, unwillingness to listen. Marlene looked at him straight in the eye and said, “They’re not here, Sirius, they haven’t been here yet. We need to leave, now.”

Sirius only closed his eyes. Marlene sighed sadly. Her priority was to get them both far, far away. So, she did the only thing she could and knocked him out. Grasping the hand of the crumpled body, she apparated them both out of No. 12 Grimmauld Place.

 

* * *

 

“Thanks again, Rem.”

Remus only smiled and quit the room.

Marlene pulled a chair up to Remus’s bed, on which Sirius now lay unconscious. With a small smile, she wondered how hard she had hit him on the head. Almost on cue, Sirius groaned and blinked his eyes open weakly. Handing him a glass of water, she helped him up and sat down next to him. She gazed at his cold face and pushed strand of hair out of his eyes. Sirius snapped his eyes shut and heaved in gulps of air. Then, he quivered and trembled. The glass of water fell on both of them, the cold chilling liquid seeping through their clothes. Sirius sagged and fell forwards into her arms, sobbing helplessly. Marlene held him comfortingly, rubbing his back gently and rocking him softly, as a mother would a child. She sat there, holding him up through the rest of the day.

He was his brother, after all.


End file.
